This Peterborough Examiner article is amazingly awful
This column from Dale Clifford of the Peterborough Examiner is my new favourite thing. I haven’t even gotten around to being offended by all the horrible baseball opinions expressed in the piece because I’m too busy being offended by how terribly it’s written. Many thanks to Andrew Stoeten for drawing my attention to it at Drunk Jays Fans today.
Here are my ten favourite sentences from the article:
1. “I wasn’t caught up in all the hype over the winter when the so-called experts had them going to the World Series and the odds makers in Las Vegas gave them great odds to winning it all.”
This is so close. I feel like changing “to winning” to “to win” or “of winning” would at least make this readable.
2. “I based my opinion simply on the players they got and never felt they would be the ones that would lead them to the Promised Land, or if not there, at least make them high-end contenders.”
What on earth. If I’d written this sentence in a high school essay, my teacher would have scribbled a giant red question mark over top of it.
3. “They got an old pitcher in R.A. Dickey, who despite winning a Cy Young award last year, has had his best years behind him and it would be difficult for him to repeat his recent success, despite tossing a knuckleball, which can lead to longevity for hurlers of that form.”
This sounds like an uncomfortable interviewee’s response to a question he’s unqualified to answer. I have no idea what this sentence even means. Despite winning a Cy Young award last year, Dickey’s best years are behind him? Um, well, I guess technically he’ll probably never top last year, and 2012 is, in fact, “behind” him now. Ugh, this is making my head hurt.
4. “I personally liked Yunel Escobar in that spot but he became an attitude issue.”
He BECAME an attitude issue? I don’t think that means “his attitude became an issue” like you think it does.
5. “Even with other newcomers Emilio Bonifacio and Melky Cabrera, I didn’t see them being overall game-changers.”
Holy shit, man. Dangling modifier much?
6. “I felt more important than these additions, was the question of health which decimated the unit last year but even if fully healthy, it wouldn’t be enough.”
7. “Speaking of the Jays, on another topic, and it may seem like I picking on them but I’m not, I have something to say about someone in the broadcast booth.”
I’m enjoying imagining “It may seem like I picking on them but I’m not!” in a “Grittings, my nam is Kahlfin” voice.
8. “I feel like I’m just listening to a fan in the crowd or something sitting on the couch at home.”
Some…THING sitting on the couch at home? Nope. Forget I asked. Don’t wanna know.
9. “He should listen to other professional callers with smooth deliveries like Vin Scully, Joe Buck, Jon Miller, Gary Thorne or even in the radio booth next door, Jerry Howarth, as to how to call it.”
This starts off as such a nice sentence and just goes off the rails toward the end.
10. “I have suggestion.”
I have suggestion too: More editing.